By Hardin Long

Because of celestial influences far too complicated for you to EVER understand, this will be a very sexy month. Unless I'm completely wrong, the 20th of the month will have more people fucking at one time than ever before on earth. Look for a wobble in the orbit. Once those Chinese get going you got to hose 'em down.

AQUARIUS - Dawn sucks and this is the Evening of your Age. Aquarians are over, over, over. Get a job. You have no talent. We're all laughing.

PISCES - If you keep experimenting with sticking different things up your butt, you will become just another Richard Gere anecdote. Seriously, dickwad, I know a man who will actually pay you to do some of that stuff.

ARIES - Hygiene is important in the amatory arts. Wash behind that foreskin or get the fuck out of town. Putz. You KNOW I'm bonking your old lady.

TAURUS - Hard-working and dedicated, you're already jerking off at least twice a day. By mid-month, you will start doing it at work as well, where everybody thinks you are a small minded Nazi buttwipe. I look for you to get busted following some stupid bitch home every night -- don't get blindsided by a restraining order.

GEMINI - You have the twin attributes of caring and not caring. You dream that Ralph Lauren's REAL birthday is the 13th of this month. But think he's a midget who is just trying to dress like the big boys. He doesn't have a clue. Neither do you.

CANCER - Who cares, right? Who the hell are they to tell us how to behave, anyhow? This is fucking America, man. Nobody pushes YOU around. Deviants have RIGHTS!!!

LEO - Was it nature or nurture that turned you into this, this, THING?! You are self-involved and monumentally stupid. Your childlike simplicity will most likely end you up in the nuthouse. Leos are uncomplicated bags of pus.

VIRGO - On the whole I think that stuff is EXACTLY like snot and I don't see why you should have to swallow it either. You owe the library a fortune and they're about to find you.

LIBRA - It sure as hell isn't a yeast infection -- so wake up and smell the tortilla. Look, what you're thinking about with the neighbor kid. Uh uh, don't do it. Bad timing. You are an excellent cook and a fine homemaker. Libras are usually queer and get robbed a lot.

SCORPIO - These are sad times. You will have no fucking life AT ALL this month. But you deserve it, you really deserve it. Chances are good you'll die a horrible death this week.

SAGITTARIUS -- A dynamic personality and a full head of hair make you the most irritating person for miles. This premature ejaculation thing will get you so bummed out that you're probably going to have to eat your own kind before you know for sure that it really is the psychological problem everybody else already knows it is.

CAPRICORN - The influence of Venus is overwhelming. You should put a gun in your mouth and suck it dry.